For a long time, self-compassion was an unloved word for me. I associated it with the act of “feeling sorry for me” – like “if feeling pity of myself” – and if I would felt sorry for me, others would also feel this sorry for me, and it all would make myself look like a “victim” which I definitively would not want.
It took some time to realize that there cannot be compassion for the other without self-compassion, that taking care of others (something that is always very present in me) is only possible if we take care of ourselves first.
At the same time, I feel that this is not just my experience, but a portrait of the society in which we live, especially in my generation and in previous generations.
Paul Gilbert, founder of Compassionate Focused Therapy (CFT) tells us that most people are afraid of being self-compassionate because they feel they do not deserve it. This is the reality that we create instilled by strong social influence with learnings like these: we need external solutions in order to be better and “fix ourselves”; we are not enough; we have to be “perfect”; we were “born in sin” and in sin we will die …
As children, most of us felt the block of not being able to express our opinions and emotions. “The children have no opinion”, “stop crying or I bit you more”, “men don’t cry”, “change your face and smile at people”, “you should not feel that way”, and so many other expressions that were part of our education …
Then we reach adult life without an emotional language, with the difficulty in regulating our emotions, letting them “explode” in impulsive behaviours or letting them inside, at the core, in the guts, taking away our physical and mental health.
Self-compassion is a fundamental strategy for emotional regulation. As emotions are what connect us with others, so it happens that self-compassion has an individual and collective impact.
Contrary to this old common idea, self-compassion does not lead us to passivity. On the contrary, the acceptance (and non-rejection) that error, failure, and difficult emotions are part of life leads us to greater motivation to keep going and to do better.
There is this study carried out by two researchers of the University of California, Breines & Chen, which facilitates a better understanding. The researchers evaluated the effects of a compassion training within a study group by comparing them with two other control groups, one with self-esteem training and the other without any intervention at all. The results of the self-compassion group were better than the two control groups, so they concluded that self-compassion could increase the motivation for self-improvement as it encourages people to face their mistakes and weaknesses without self-deprecating and without defensive self-aggrandizement.
Self-compassion helps us to look at what is in us, with acceptance and kindness.
